Brokn's Journal

I worked tonight from 10PM to 5:30AM. I am so tired. I spent all day worrying about it and then I went to work to work a long ass shift with no break and a hate for networking computers that will not die anytime soon.

I'm stressing about so much lately thats its hard to find time to fix all the situations that I have put myself in. I don't know what to do about one other than wait and hope that in some way it will work out in my favor. It sucks to not be able to solve all my problems to where everyone ends up happy. I guess its more important to make others happy at the cost of personal happiness.

I cannot help being reminded of myself when I watch Scrubs. Its weird but I see myself a bit in J.D. I just hope that I don't end up like him.

I guess I just dont know what to do anymore. I mean, I want to still be a firefighter/paramedic but everything just seems to be hitting me all at once.

My ex befriended me on facebook and then proceeds to not talk to me. What the fuck is with that? Everything just seems to surface and its just not giving me a good sign. Maybe I just need to spend some more time to think. I hate thinking about all of it though. It just gets me more and more upset. I think I'm just going to remain single until... who the fuck knows. Sean, you got this shit down, bro. Relationships are just not meant for me. I'm going to go drink this shit away.

I cannot believe that the human race can survive. The fact that even blood relatives would turn on each other for the sake of simple pleasures in life like money makes me sick. I cannot go into details about it for LiveJournal could not hold the amount of information needed to express my situation involving my family's quarrels. Needless to say that my brain is about to explode from the information provided to me by my sister. All I can say for sure is that I will never betray my family no matter how bad the situation gets. My family, including my friends, is all that I have now and thats all I need. If you turn against me as friend or family member I will never accept you back. Simple as that. Loyalty is that we have that separates us from animals. If we cannot rise above the simple law of self preservation than we are not better than the dogs we kill or the animals we enslave. I can now say that I truly appreciate the company that I have been in and the friends that I have made that have not betrayed my trust during the course of our relationship. I want nothing more than to bring happiness to everyone but myself. I want to know that the world will one day be able to live in peace. I want to know that humanity will be smart enough to understand that money does not bring happiness, but loyalty to another can be worth more than all the riches of the world. I love all my friends though my imperfections sometimes blur my decisions. I apologize that I cannot always be the person that everyone wants me to be. All I can say is that no matter what, I will always be there for those who ask for my help and I will always choose another over myself. I may not have a family other than my friends, mother, father, and sister who love me but I will always choose someone over me. Loyalty is more important to me than heaven or hell.

To all my friends - I promise that I will do my best to never let you down. I promise that if I can, I will do all that is in my ability to be there for you. I want nothing more than to be a person whom you can depend on to be there when you're in a bind. I want to your brother.

To my family - I will love you until my body stops functioning. I will do everything in my power to be the best. I may not become the doctor that invents a cure. I may not become the lawyer that changes history. All I can say is that I will be the best at whatever it is that I do and I will always keep you close to my heart. Nothing will change the fact that we are related, but our actions will define who we are.

We are not bound by religion or blood. We are bound by the words we speak and the actions we perform. If we cannot keep our word we cannot survive as a species. We must understand that with all the graces of the world comes with all the evils. In the times where evil seems to take over we must know where our loyalties lie and we must fight for them. Mine will always be others closest to me because they make my world worth living. They make my world bright. Nothing will ever change that, and nothing will ever take that from me. I will fight for them and die for them.

I don't care if you think that I'm emo or other bullshit labels. I only care that the people I love and care for are there for me and that I'm there for them.

So I passed my First Responder class with a B and got an 88% on my final. It's not the best but I'm proud to have passed a class! I actually buckled down and finished a course without a failing grade. Unfortunately, I still need to get into the EMT school. That should prove to be a challenge.

I'm also leaving for South Korea with my family on Friday the 27th so I have to leave for Ocala on Thursday. Unfortunately, some of my friends are graduating, some of them are having big, kick-ass parties, and my birthday are all occuring when I am in Korea. It makes me sad that can't spend time with my friends at the time of their graduation. Hopefully they won't hold it against me. Otherwise, I might just have to kill kittens.

This will be my last post for a couple of weeks. But the good news is that I now have a kick-ass desktop as well as a kick-ass laptop. wo0t

^_^

You know, the internet can be a great tool. It can be used for research, shopping and for social networking, just to name a few.

But with every tool comes the inabilities to perform certain tasks. Some of these tasks included not being able to filter out those with an IQ of 80 or below. There is no filter for ignorance or bigotry. Sadly, because text is emotionless, words are interpreted incorrectly and sometimes hurt or offend others. Not to say that words do not hurt or that they cannot hold emotion on paper, but they are just words. Confined by lower cases and capitals, words cannot define the emotion that the writer intends for them to hold. Only contextual clues and the known personality of the writer can give proper incite to the true directive of what they write. Even then, they are just clues and not definitive answers.

Point being that words on the internet are just words. Adding emotion to them is just not an intelligent move because you have no idea of the emotion that they were suppose to carry. So, when you use this tool called the internet, be open-minded about what you read. You may not always agree with what is said, but do not try and add the emotion you THINK they had when they wrote it and don't take it to heart. Debate words and not the person's character. You lose your argument when it becomes personal for you. That's the first rule of debate. Do NOT take it personal. The same rule applies to the internet. Take it with a grain of salt, and don't get mad. Most of the time you just end up making an ass out of yourself.

So break was the most unproductive thing I've done since being two years old and playing around all day. It was a lot of fun for doing nothing though. I got drunk and stupid for three days and I barely remember any of it. It was marvelous.

Anyhoot, just gonna relax and enjoy the rest of break before school and work begin again.

So Spring Break has begun and all the people have left so that I could work and be bored by myself. Its all good though. Waiting for CJ to get back on Tuesday night so we can head to Panama City on Wednesday for a marvelous four days of getting drunk on the beaches of P.C. Should make for an amazing Spring Break since it has been forever and a millenia since I've had a Spring Break. Until then, I'm going to enjoy my bottle of Pinot Noir and get some stuff done in the morning.

So the mother is up from Ocala buying me stuff like food, new pillows, bed sheets, etc. Wo0t. She should be leaving on Monday, so I'm pretty much not going anywhere exciting until then. Not too excited about that, but I'll deal. Anyways, Gotta go eat some food, maybe find a way to go poke some smot and be done with the night. Later people.

OMG!! Its the LJ! I so forgot that I had this thing. Maybe I'll start posting stuff and shit on it.

Eh, The bullshit continues to roll down hill. Funny that this particular hill, nicknamed 'Life Ave', seems to never end. So the bullshit just keeps on truckin'. To kind of play a little tangent off of Sean's rant, I personally don't care what people think of me as far as what I drive, how I like to spend my time, or whether I choose to smoke. To me, if you think of me as a bad person because I smoke...then just simply walk away because you make me sick. Anyone that can sit there and judge someone else and claim they are not a racist or an open person is simply put as complete horse shit. There is not a person in this world that does not judge. I do it all the time. I'm a racist. I make shrewed comments when not appropriate and I say things that are really uncalled for, but most of the time, its a joke. I know I'm not perfect. I smoked at Relay of Life! OMG!!!! Its a fundraiser to help support cancer research! Not an anti-tobacco protest. I'm funding them so I don't die later on in life. Any of you who look at me as shake your head when I smoke are no different than some backwoods fat piece of white trash that fucks his cousin and hates "niggers". Yes, you are exactly like him.

Now, you ask how can we as people better ourselves? And the answer is not end racism like I see and hear so much. It starts with people rising above simple social barriers. It takes equal work for any minority to rise up and take what they can. It won't work if we all sit back and look at statistics of how you are more likely to succeed if your white or you might end up in jail if your black. Or the chances that you might own a Honda Civic or Accord because your AZN. Thats bullshit. You do what you want and fuck what everyone else thinks. Yes, obey the law, but don't go to school cause mommy and daddy told you to. Don't get a job because people say you don't know what its like. You should be grateful that you don't know what its like. In fact, only you know what its like for YOU! No one else knows what its like to live your life. So the fuck what? Do what you have to do in order to get what you want to. It's as simple as that. Priority is a blessed thing.

Well, umm... didnt mean to rant but I guess I deserve to just as much as anyone as AJ and Sean would both know.

Anyways, I'm, out folks, though about two people on Live Journal know me.